"Twelve Angry Mental Patients"

ONE- Poultry rights activist NINE- Whiny and asks too many questions
TWO- Jerry Lewis impersonator NEIN- German for "no"
THREE-Can only say two words TEN- ELEVEN's former co-host
FOUR-Acts out movie scenes ELEVEN- Former informercial guy
FIVE- Professional hypnotist TWELVE- Not angry at all, actually happy!
SIX- Boring mathematician THIRTEEN- An anonymous disgruntled old man
SEVEN- Add two numbers in front of his number to get his worst enemy
EIGHT- Shatner fan

(I originally wanted to have more characters, but I didn't have enough patientce.)

Setting: a mental institution in the English-speaking, non-accent portion of Canada
Time: 3600 hours; noon tommorrow
Timeframe: depends on how fast you can read
Reasonable Doubtfire-(n)- Robin Williams in drag with common sense
Rap lyrics by: Kevin Mag-Poc Shakur
Quote of the Day: "Tastes like chicken" -anonymous
useless information source: Kevin "a bit on the strange side" Magpoc

[After being dragged in by two men in white uniforms, a man stands before a room of straight-jacked men.
To protect the innocent, he will be referred to as "GEORGE."
( "THIRTEEN" is too much trouble to type. )]
ONE What did you do? I threw chickens out of a third-story laboratory window.
Unfortunately, they don't fly too well when hopped up on Viagra.
TWO The people with the wearing of the white...
the nice people don't believe I'm Jerry Lewis, flayvin!
GEORGE It all started with a simple Jury Duty notice.
I didn't think it would be so complicated...but those people...
they didn't believe me! I was right, I tell you!
FOUR [à la Christopher Walken] This jury...were they debating a murder trial?
FOUR And were they completely incompetent by your standards?
FOUR I thought so. You see... you see......
[After making several types of gurgling noises, FOUR falls down,
then gets back up with a different facial expression.]
FOUR It's all my fault. Now we're all gonna die, here, out in the woods and...
[FOUR looks around frantically, then starts to run wildly
as he screams bloody murder]
FOUR What was that? Oh my god...the witch is here!
[FOUR continues to frantically scurry about, yelling madly.]
ONE Don't mind him. That's just movie scenes Murray.
GEORGE Doesn't anybody care about my story?
TWO It doesn't have any aliens or things with the space-like flayvin?
GEORGE [enraged] It's true, damnit!
[GEORGE's face begins to turn to a bright red.
GEORGE tries to calm down by counting down from ten under his breath.]
GEORGE [calmer] Okay, this is what happened...
[GEORGE explains what happened in the courtroom that day.
Afterwards, the room starts it own debate.
Just as before, everybody else agrees the defendant was not guilty.]
ONE I think he was innocent.
THREE Me too.
TWO [babbling] Well, the thing with he lady with the bifocals, WO-HOY-GEN!
FOUR He was not guilty. Definitely, definitely not guilty.
GEORGE [hollering at the top of his lungs]
WHy don't you understand? The kid is guilty!
AAAAAAGH! You're gonna make me cry!
TWELVE [cheerfully] Don't cry! Why is everyone so angry? Let's play 'Go Fish!'
ELEVEN [pushes TWELVE away and starts to talk to GEORGE]
ELEVEN Now, George...mind if I call you George? My friend Mike...
[points to TEN]...and I bet we can convince you to buy this...
I mean, change your mind! Now, this kid, the defendant...
you believe he sliced, diced, and made jullienne fries out of his own father?
GEORGE [puzzled] Nooo... I said he stabbed his father.
ELEVEN Well, what if I told you he was actually innocent...
ELEVEN But wait, there's more!
The father was actually killed by himself!
ELEVEN Here's our very own mathematician to explain!
SIX [shows GEORGE a chalkboard with elaborate drawings and formulas]
Well, according to this cartesian plane that I've made,
with the x-axis representing west-east and
the y-axis representing north-south,
the slope formed by the two points, the passing el train and the old man,
and the y-intercept being the woman with the bifocals...
[rambles on as FIVE whispers into GEORGE's ear]
FIVE You are getting very sleepy, yada, yada, yada, cliché...
When I snap my fingers, and so forth...
GEORGE [closes his eyes and immediately falls asleep.
His body falls on the floor, after bouncing a few times.]
FIVE When you awaken, you will agree with everybody else.
[snaps is fingers]
GEORGE [wakes up]
Huh? What happened?
EIGHT [pausing periodically] You...are...now...with...us.
[gasps in horror as he stares at the plane made by SIX.
EIGHT notices SIX leaning against the chalkboard on a triangle resembling a wing.]
GEORGE Well, I agree that the kid is not guilty...
I don't know why...but a secret society? I don't know...
SEVEN [in a sinister voice, petting a cat on his lap]
If you join us, you can see my latest weapon,
a laser ray capable of instantaneous de-memorization!
FOUR Let me use that memory-messer-upper.
[dons rayban shades] I make this look cool.
NINE [whining] Where did you get that memory thing?
How did you get it past security? Where'd you get the cat?
How'd you put on sunglasses with your arms in a strait-jacket?
Why are we allowed to be near each other if we're dangers to ourselves and society?
Does this story even have a plot?
GEORGE I think we should get rid of NINE.
EIGHT We...will...if you...join...the...so...cie...ty.
GEORGE Well I suppose there's nothing else I can do...everyone is against me...
...again...I'm forced to agree with everyone else.


*Soundtrack available where available
*Watch for Twelve Angry Mental Patients II: Twelve Angry Mental Patients and a Baby.


ONE released from the institution, then threw more chickens out a window, and was put back in

TWO was moved to a different room with a cat lady, a bat lady, a fat lady...

THREE learned another word: "also"

FOUR made a movie with the help of SEVEN and EIGHT

FIVE accidentally hypnotized himself through a mirror to think he was a chicken, then was thrown out a window by ONE

SIX also being a psychologist, figured out the cure for amnesia, then forgot what it was

NINE was sliced, diced, and made into jullienne fries by TEN and ELEVEN

TWELVE was crushed to death by his own happiness in a freak accident (it's a long story)

THIRTEEN led a peaceful life through the "Poultry Culturey" organization

FOURTEEN who cares? He wasn't in this story

Originally written by Kevin Magpoc 12/10/99. If you plagiarize this and say you wrote it, you must have even less dignity than I do. And that's just plain pathetic. So please don't. If you're gonna plagiarize, copy off of a professional. But don't. This has been my disclaimer. Click here to go back to the comic strip section.