|ONE- Poultry rights activist||NINE- Whiny and asks too many questions|
|TWO- Jerry Lewis impersonator||NEIN- German for "no"|
|THREE-Can only say two words||TEN- ELEVEN's former co-host|
|FOUR-Acts out movie scenes||ELEVEN- Former informercial guy|
|FIVE- Professional hypnotist||TWELVE- Not angry at all, actually happy!|
|SIX- Boring mathematician||THIRTEEN- An anonymous disgruntled old man|
|SEVEN- Add two numbers in front of his number to get his worst enemy|
|EIGHT- Shatner fan|
|[After being dragged in by two men in white uniforms, a man stands before a room of straight-jacked men.
To protect the innocent, he will be referred to as "GEORGE."
( "THIRTEEN" is too much trouble to type. )]
|ONE||What did you do? I threw chickens out of a third-story laboratory window.
Unfortunately, they don't fly too well when hopped up on Viagra.
|TWO||The people with the wearing of the white...
the nice people don't believe I'm Jerry Lewis, flayvin!
|GEORGE||It all started with a simple Jury Duty notice.
I didn't think it would be so complicated...but those people...
they didn't believe me! I was right, I tell you!
|FOUR||[à la Christopher Walken] This jury...were they debating a murder trial?|
|FOUR||And were they completely incompetent by your standards?|
|FOUR||I thought so. You see... you see......
[After making several types of gurgling noises, FOUR falls down,
then gets back up with a different facial expression.]
|FOUR||It's all my fault. Now we're all gonna die, here, out in the woods and...
[FOUR looks around frantically, then starts to run wildly
as he screams bloody murder]
|FOUR||What was that? Oh my god...the witch is here!
[FOUR continues to frantically scurry about, yelling madly.]
|ONE||Don't mind him. That's just movie scenes Murray.|
|GEORGE||Doesn't anybody care about my story?|
|TWO||It doesn't have any aliens or things with the space-like flayvin?|
|GEORGE||[enraged] It's true, damnit!
[GEORGE's face begins to turn to a bright red.
GEORGE tries to calm down by counting down from ten under his breath.]
|GEORGE||[calmer] Okay, this is what happened...
[GEORGE explains what happened in the courtroom that day.
Afterwards, the room starts it own debate.
Just as before, everybody else agrees the defendant was not guilty.]
|ONE||I think he was innocent.|
|TWO||[babbling] Well, the thing with he lady with the bifocals, WO-HOY-GEN!|
|FOUR||He was not guilty. Definitely, definitely not guilty.|
|GEORGE||[hollering at the top of his lungs]
WHy don't you understand? The kid is guilty!
AAAAAAGH! You're gonna make me cry!
|TWELVE||[cheerfully] Don't cry! Why is everyone so angry? Let's play 'Go Fish!'|
|ELEVEN||[pushes TWELVE away and starts to talk to GEORGE]|
|ELEVEN||Now, George...mind if I call you George? My friend Mike...
[points to TEN]...and I bet we can convince you to buy this...
I mean, change your mind! Now, this kid, the defendant...
you believe he sliced, diced, and made jullienne fries out of his own father?
|GEORGE||[puzzled] Nooo... I said he stabbed his father.|
|ELEVEN||Well, what if I told you he was actually innocent...|
|ELEVEN||But wait, there's more!
The father was actually killed by himself!
|ELEVEN||Here's our very own mathematician to explain!|
|SIX||[shows GEORGE a chalkboard with elaborate drawings and formulas]
Well, according to this cartesian plane that I've made,
with the x-axis representing west-east and
the y-axis representing north-south,
the slope formed by the two points, the passing el train and the old man,
and the y-intercept being the woman with the bifocals...
[rambles on as FIVE whispers into GEORGE's ear]
|FIVE||You are getting very sleepy, yada, yada, yada, cliché...
When I snap my fingers, and so forth...
|GEORGE||[closes his eyes and immediately falls asleep.
His body falls on the floor, after bouncing a few times.]
|FIVE||When you awaken, you will agree with everybody else.
[snaps is fingers]
Huh? What happened?
|EIGHT||[pausing periodically] You...are...now...with...us.
[gasps in horror as he stares at the plane made by SIX.
EIGHT notices SIX leaning against the chalkboard on a triangle resembling a wing.]
|GEORGE||Well, I agree that the kid is not guilty...
I don't know why...but a secret society? I don't know...
|SEVEN||[in a sinister voice, petting a cat on his lap]
If you join us, you can see my latest weapon,
a laser ray capable of instantaneous de-memorization!
|FOUR||Let me use that memory-messer-upper.
[dons rayban shades] I make this look cool.
|NINE||[whining] Where did you get that memory thing?
How did you get it past security? Where'd you get the cat?
How'd you put on sunglasses with your arms in a strait-jacket?
Why are we allowed to be near each other if we're dangers to ourselves and society?
Does this story even have a plot?
|GEORGE||I think we should get rid of NINE.|
|GEORGE||Well I suppose there's nothing else I can do...everyone is against me...
...again...I'm forced to agree with everyone else.