inept - inexperienced - incompetent

Ten individuals put on an island, forced to survive.
They are taken off one by one until one is left standing and is declared winner.
This is Survival! Day one. Cue music.

ZERO Survival. I will be hosting this series.
So I while I'm on the island I get luxury treatment.
So let's start this shall we? The ten of you will be divided into groups of five.
NINE I'm confused.
ZERO Wait until I'm done.
The first group shall be the Tiki-Taki-Toki-funny name tribe,
consisting of numbers one through five.
The other is the Tribble Tribe. Now, if we all understand the rules...
NINE I don't.
ZERO Weren't you paying attention?
NINE Not....entirely.
Which one of us is the professor and which one is the movie star?
ZERO No! No Gilligan references!
NINE I wasn't referring to Gilligan, I was referring to Ginger and...
TEN Shut up!
NINE But I...
TEN Zip it!
NINE I was refe...
NINE WhatifItalkreallyfastand...
ZERO Thank you number nine!
And now, I leave you for Survival, day one! I'll be in my trailer!


NINE I bet you don't know Gilligan's first name!
TEN I don't care!
NINE Or the skipper's full name!
TEN Shut up...
NINE Gilligan's first name is Willy and the skipper's name is Jonas Grumby.
I found the Willy part on the internet.
TEN [sarcastic] Wow...
EIGHT Click here to proceed.
TEN I don't go that way...
NINE Hahahahahahaha!
TEN Shut up!
NINE 'Cause he said click here and you said...
TEN You are so annoying! [tries to hit NINE but hits EIGHT]
SEVEN You fool!
You dismembered its internal servers causing a... internal server error!
I won't be able to find replacement parts on the island!
NINE Da-ha!
EIGHT Word undefined.
TEN I was trying to hit him! [points to NINE]
TEN [hits EIGHT]
SEVEN Stop that! That didn't look like an accident!
TEN It wasn't; that da-ha crap was getting annoying.
SIX Da-ha! I like that, hehehe.
TEN Does that robot have anything to put me out of my misery?
SEVEN It would, had you not severely severed its several servers.
SIX Dr. Seuss!
TEN We're gonna have, like, 4 copyright suits against us.
NINE I don't find that half as bad as the numerous plot holes in this story.
Why is a little kid on the island? How is the robot powered?
Should I know that I'm just a character in the story?
TEN [rams his head into a wall and passes out]


TWO Okay. Now that the annoying host person is gone, we shall proceed with the plan!
THREE Ready, willing and able!
TWO Okay, here's what we're gonna do.
Number three distracts the Tribble Tribe while I capture number eight...
THREE Mr Roboto?
TWO I'm not sure what his name is, but yes, the robot.
Then I will take number seven hostage and
order him to aid us in our plan of escaping from the island.
Of course number one will stay here and collect the money by winning!
But since the robot can't get wet there has to be a way for him to...
THREE Walk on the water...
TWO Yes! Exactly! And we need a signal of some sort...
THREE in the sky!
TWO Great idea! Someone make up a flare gun.
ONE That's where I come in!
THREE Burn, baby, burn.
ONE Hehehehehe...
FIVE Disco inferno! [does a little dance]
THREE [to FIVE] Do you want to dance?
FIVE Yeah baby!
THREE Shake your booty!
FIVE I will!
TWO Peopllllle! We must organize! Stop dancing!
THREE You're a mean one, Mr. Grinch.
TWO [looking around] Wha...what's burning?
ONE Um...uh...not me.
FIVE AAAAH! My big hair!
THREE Burning like a flame!
FIVE Someone put it out!!!
THREE We will hose you!
FOUR [sprays fluids at FIVE]
TWO Oh great.
The fire is gone...but I smell like...
...whatever that fluid is that FOUR sprayed at me.
THREE Smells like Teen Spirit.
FOUR Gleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...
TWO What's he...u, it...doing?
FOUR ...eeeeeeeeeee...
ONE Smoke alarm?
THREE Smoke gets in your eyes.
FOUR ...eeeeep. This was just a test...


ZERO Okay! The first week is over.
It is now time to vote off one member of each tribe.
Each member takes turns going up to the camera.
They then quietly tell it who they voted for.
And finally they put the vote into the secret box.


ONE I vote for four. People should have the right to make fire
in their own hut without being sprayed by funny smelling liquid-type...
ZERO Stop hogging camera time!
ONE Okay. [votes]
TWO I vote for number five.
He doesn't seem essential to my plan.
As a matter of fact he's makes my head hurt.
And another thing...
ZERO It's only an hour-long show! Come on!
TWO Okay, okay. [votes]
FOUR Glip glop da ha
FIVE I vote for five, just because I really hate the number.
The number of Backstreet Boys, Jacksons, and Spice Girls.
It's evil I tell you! [votes]
[pause] Wait a minute! I'm five! Can I change my vote?
ZERO: No. Number three are you ready to vote?
THREE I will survive! [votes]


SIX I pick number eight. He scares me.
SEVEN Using number eight to process the most reasonable selection...the result is...syntax error. What?! Ah. I'll just pick the little kid.
EIGHT $yntx Error. Whiiiirrrrrrrrrr
ZERO Pick a number.
EIGHT Pick a number pick a number pick a number....errorrrrrrrrr
ZERO Forget it.
NINE I vote for number seven because having a professor on the island makes it too much like a certain television program.


ZERO The votes have been counted. The loser in the Taki-Toki-whatever five!
FIVE Whoo-hoo! No more rat cakes or rat surprise or café du rat! [jumps into the ocean and swims away]
ZERO Oooookay...the loser in the Tribble Tribe is number eight!
SEVEN But he didn't get the most votes!
TEN I stuffed the ballot box with NINE, like, fifty times!
ZERO Eight isn't even moving! He's rusted! He's as good as dead!
SEVEN That's discrimination against the life impaired!
ZERO You're right, the majority vote-getter should leave the island.
SEVEN That's more like it.
ZERO Number seven!
SEVEN [censored]!
ZERO That's the way it works.
SEVEN [censored], [censored], and [censored] again!
ZERO You must now walk upon the catapult of hype and be flung out of the island. And this concludes week 1 of Survival!


ZERO Today is your first challenge.
It is called "Grab those melons."
NINE Hahahahahaha!
TEN Shut UP!
ZERO We have brought you to this field of scientifically-enhanced fruit.
Grab as many melons as you can, but it you touch a non-melon...
you shall receive a small electric shock.
You may pick one member of your team to play this game.
The team that grabs the most melons wins the fruit they collected.
TEN [to NINE] Heh. Why don't you play;
you're good with handling fruits.
NINE Why thank y...HEYYYYY
TWO Number three, while they're busy watching you, we can execute plan BB5-Charlie Omega!
THREE We are the champions!
ZERO So numbers three and nine will play.
NINE I didn't actually say I wanted to...
ZERO You have two minutes. Go!
NINE But I don't wanna...
THREE [starts] I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts!
[gets zapped]
ZERO Coconuts aren't melons, naff git...try again.
ONE [aside] I know how to tip the scales slightly...
[throws a lit match in front of NINE and sneaks away]
THREE Great balls of fire!
NINE Ouch, ouch, ouch! That is...not comfortable...
FOUR [sprays fluid at the fire]
NINE Agh! The fluid got in my eye!
ZERO Great, now the fruit is burnt and crispy.
THREE Tuity fruity
ZERO That doesn't make sense.
[looks around]
Hey, where did one and two go?
THREE Where have all the flowers gone?
ZERO They were burnt! Well that's great.
Now no one wins.


NINE Whe-where am I?
TWO You've been taken hostage!
And the ransom...number eight!
ONE And if you don't comply, Mr Matchstick will do the talking!
NINE Is Mr Matchstick a puppet?
NINE Then what is he?
ONE He's a match!
NINE Then how does he talk?
ONE He doesn't talk!
NINE But you said he does.
ONE AAAAARGH! [sputters] You'!
You're playing with fire!
NINE So is Mr Matchstick an action figure?
ONE [to TWO] Can I kill him now?
TWO No! That'll ruin the whole...thing. We must start plan SG5-¤!
ONE I thought it was BB5-Charlie Omega...
Whatever! The codes are arbitrary anyway. Just go to the tribble tribe and tell them our plan!

SIX [talking to the other tribe members]
And then there's Peckachu, he's a static electricity Peckémon.
He can only be killed by Barmander, who can only be killed by...
TEN I don't care, I don't care, I don't care!
SIX Wanna see my yo-yo?
TEN Shut your dirty little mouth!
SIX But it goes back up by itself.
TEN Maybe I should have brought something to pass the time.
Hey, where's number nine? Not that I miss him or anything...
ONE [enters] Number with us!
TEN Sweet. You can have him.
ONE Wha...what...spt...wk...
[sputters] What?!?!
TEN God, was he annoying.
ONE Fine then, we will keep him. But joke's on you, you're down one member and we're up one!
TEN Joke's on you, he's gonna make you talk only in questions
and make up songs in the style of his choosing.
ONE So? That's not so annoying.
TEN You'll see...youuuu'll see...

TWO So, as planned, my last plan failed.
ONE You planned to fail your plan?
TWO Sure.
Because this opens the door to other possibilities and other plans...and...such.
Anywho, this plan will work. Is everyone present?
THREE The gang's all here.
TWO Good. Here's the plan.
Four will go to our rival tribe and squirt fluid in their eyes.
NINE That hurts, believe me.
TWO Then, three, while the other tribe is being stalled, will steal eight.
One will help him.
NINE What do I do?
TWO Nothing, apparently.
SIX [walks in]
Watcha doin'?
NINE [cheerfully] I'm being taken hostage!
TWO No, no one wants you. We're gonna take the robot hostage!
SIX I'm telling! [runs towards his tribe]
TWO No! Don't let him leak information!
After him!
NINE Ok. [chases after SIX]
TWO No, not you! Aaaaaargh!
ONE I'll set the trail on fire!
ONE [sets the ground ablaze]
TWO Moron!
[trees start burning, a jungle catches fire]
TWO Number four! Fix that!
FOUR [is on fire] Blurggggggggg
[Weird name tribe's hut starts to burn at the roof]
THREE The roof is on fire!
FOUR [shrivels up and disappears]
ZERO What the...?!?!
I leave you for a few days...!!!
ONE Maybe if I set another fire to smother the first one...
[starts another fire]
ZERO That made it worse!!!
ONE I see. Hmm. Oh, wait, I have an idea!
[sets NINE on fire]
TWO That's the most sensible thing you've done
since we arrived on this island.
NINE [runs around] Water! WATERRRR!
[jumps into the nearbye ocean; loud splash]
[is attacked and chewed on by irate pirahnas]
[screaming abruptly stops]
ZERO [using an emergency fire stopping kit, puts out the fire]
And then there were six...

ZERO Today marks the end of Survival: week 2.
TEN Cool.
SIX I wanna go hooooome...
ZERO You can't leave until you're voted off or dead. And since two have already disappeared, we shall postpone the voting until next week.
SIX [cries]
ZERO But now, since there are only six left, the two teams shall now combine into one!
THREE Two becomes one?
ZERO And thus we start another [yawn] exciting week of Survival.

DAY 15

EIGHT Clunk.
TEN [hits EIGHT]
EIGHT Beep. Welcome. You've got mail.
TEN Hey, what do ya know? I fixed it.
Now to check my mail.
TWO Hey, there's supposed to be not a single luxury.
TEN I hardly consider it a luxury.
It's mostly chain letters anyway.
Oh here's a question...
What is greater than God and more evil than the devil?
The poor have it and the rich need it?
And if you eat it, you die?
TWO We don't have time for your stupid riddles.
THREE Time is on my side.
EIGHT Twelve o' clock. Twelve o' clock. Twelve o' clock. Twelve o' clock.
TEN How do you stop
EIGHT Twelve o' clock.
TEN the time from blinking?
ONE I have an idea. [lights a match]
EIGHT Twelve o' clock.
TWO No! Don't se it on fire! He's essential for my next plan!
I'm just gonna scorch his monitor slightly.
EIGHT Twelve o' clock.
TWO No, no no!
EIGHT Twelve o' clo...[whoosh]
TWO AAAAHHH! Put that out!
ONE YOu idiot, that'll short-circuit his...short...circuits. Moron.
TWO Not any worse than setting it on fire!
ONE It really seemed like a good idea at the time.
[thunderclap; rainfall starts]
[THREE, ONE, and TEN go to the hut]
TWO Quick, we gotta get the robot in the hut-type house...thing!
SIX But I'm scared and...
[lightning strikes a nearby tree]
SIX I want my mommyyyyyyyy
TWO We haven't time to waste!
SIX [cries]
TWO Fine then! Come into the hut, I'll explain plan B.
[SIX and TWO run into the hut]

TWO Hey...wasn't eight right next to this rock
when we left it last night?
TEN I don't care. What's for breakfast?
TWO [sees EIGHT] How'd he get over there?
EIGHT Welcome.
[a few sparks fly from his mainframe]
TWO Hmm. Guess he was unaffected by the storm...
EIGHT You will die now.
TWO Ohhhhhhh [censored]...
EIGHT Death laser...on.
[right arm switches to...well, a death laser of course]
TWO [nervous chuckle] I-I-I tried to help you...
EIGHT [zaps and misses TWO]
TWO Okay then. Bye! [runs like hell]
EIGHT [zap, miss. zap, miss. zap, hits a tree]
TEN But did you get breakfast?
EIGHT [zaps TEN]
TEN [explodes]
[cheerfully] Perfect! I finally get to use my coconut death ray!
That cyborg won't know what hit him..., it...I think. Something like that.
EIGHT [zaps TWO]
TWO [explodes]
ONE [throws firey matches at EIGHT]
EIGHT [zaps matches. matches explode. zaps ONE]
ONE [explodes]
EIGHT [zap. hits a boat. boat explodes.]
EIGHT [zap, hit]
EIGHT [aims at SIX] Ready. Aim. LOCKED ON! Beep beep beep beep beep beep...
SIX Peckachu, I choose you!
SIX 1/2 Peckaaaaaaaaaa! [zaps at EIGHT]
EIGHT [aim is thrown off and misses]
SIX Peckachu, shell shock!
SIX 1/2 A-choo![hits EIGHT]
SIX Great going, Peckachu!
SIX 1/2 Peck.
ZERO Congratulations. You are the last standing member!
You have won Survival!
SIX Can I go home now?
ZERO Um, well, it seems that eight destroyed the boat,
our only way of getting off the island.
I'll go cook us some coconuts.
SIX [cries]

Kevin Magpoc

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